i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm at about main and main street
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
