sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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