Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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