Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
