My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
