I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
