i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
