please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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