Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
