I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
