He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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