Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
