At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
