Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
