Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
