the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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