fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
