I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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