i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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