Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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