sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
