Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
