i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
