I wish my penis had an off switch
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
