bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
