do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
