She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
