i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
