Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
