I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
