then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
