Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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