I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
