we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
