Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
