i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
