a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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