I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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