She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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