I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize