I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
