I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
