I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
