he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
