He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
