Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
