I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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