remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
