I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
