you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
