So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
