nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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