They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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