I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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