Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have tasted many bathrooms
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
