If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
