Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Alive.
So much puke
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
