As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
