So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
