I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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