It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
