why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
