the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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