just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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