I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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