I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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